I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
