So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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