Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
