Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
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