God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
