final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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