You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize