so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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