I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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