Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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