4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
