I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
