a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
