How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
