I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
