i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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