i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
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