Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize