waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
