I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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