nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize