I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
