First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize