Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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