dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
whose parrot is this?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
