Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
