I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
