Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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