I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
