just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize