I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
