My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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