it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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