Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
