I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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