i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
