he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Mom said you looked used
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
