I'll bet she douches with gravy.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize