She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
then he tried to convert me to islam
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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