Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
