hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
