My sheets look like a crime scene.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize