just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
