how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
