i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
