If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
