how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
