The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
