dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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