He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
