mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
