that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
