I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
