Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
And then he peed in my hair
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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