Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
