how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
