if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
