I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
