remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
