birth control should be required to get into college
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
